“It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.” – Doe Zantamata
Have you ever had to deal with a situation that you regarded as unwelcome or harmful? Do you know what that’s called or what that is the definition of – having something unwelcome or harmful to you–If you guessed a “ PROBLEM”, you would be correct. So I would imagine the answer is yes, since we’ve all had to deal with problems. A better question may then be – how many problems are you currently dealing with in your life that are robbing you of your happiness?
Most likely – several – some may be big or some may be small, some simple or some complex, some affecting you directly or some may affect someone you care about, some may be life-nudging or some life-changing. As my former mother-in-law used to say, we all have our crosses to bear. Whatever your status, race, beliefs, religion, etc. everyone goes through life experiencing highs and lows – even those that look like they have the most picture perfect life. Don’t be fooled – they still have problems. Power, fame, and fortune can’t stop problems. Don’t believe me? just check out the tabloid magazines in the grocery store next time you’re in the checkout line.
Generally, we develop problems from one of three different ways:
- Consequences of our own actions, intentional or unintentional. An example of this might be, In my past when I was younger, I often didn’t choose wisely in relationships. I often put more emphasis on looks and physical appearance than on finding someone who had similar values. This created challenges in many of my earlier relationships.
- Other problems we have may be from the actions of others. An example of this may be a parent dealing with a child (young or grown) who has some type of addition – drugs, alcohol, porn, or food. Although it may not directly the parent’s problem, the parents suffer along with their child.
- Then there are those problems that just come from life itself. My husband I decided this past summer to sell our house and move a little closer to town. The house sold immediately, and we were so excited. We had a sixty day close, had everything packed, we were under contract with a new home and then two weeks before closing, the house sale fell through. Since we were already under contract with another home we decided to give it a few days to decide what to do and then we were hit with Hurricane Sally and we had too much damage to even consider putting our house back up for sale. This wasn’t a result of anything we did or really anything anyone else did. It was just an act of nature.
Problems and hardships, which I’ll also refer to as the “Junk” in our life, are impossible to escape. I guess that is why heaven one day will be so great – no tears, no pain, and I would imagine, no problems. Here on earth though it’s another story and when our problems keep us from happiness, that’s the real problem ALL have junk in our lives. BUT!!! Our life doesn’t have to be a dirty junk yard – Instead we can have junkyards that are filled with treasures, thrills, and tokens of triumph that can be discovered and enjoyed – amongst the junk. Sometimes it just takes looking a little closer while sifting through the bad so the good can be discovered too. Or sometimes it’s just having a different perspective so what appears to the naked eye to be bad can be seen by the heart as having some good.
I’ll never forget taking my 2 boys shopping with me when they were probably around 3 and 4 years old and we were living in North Carolina. As a single mom and no family in the state, I had to run all my errands with my boys; hence I learned to be very quick with errands. During this particular outing, I had picked the boys up from day care and on the way home from work and wanted to run by a department store that was having a big sale. I was standing at a circular clothing rack and trying my best to quickly look through the clothes while the boys were patiently standing by my side. Then one of them decided to crawl under the clothing rack and the other joined and they both started giggling and saying they were hiding and wanted me to come find them. I told them to come out as I imagined the carpet was disgustingly dirty under the racks and of course, I didn’t want them to break the rack or get hurt. As my youngest came out, he said “mom, look at the treasures I found?”. He had in his hand, a piece of a broken plastic hangar, a hanger clip that had an “m” for medium, and a paper clip. My older son was so enthralled he quickly asked to go back under the rack so he could look for treasures too. They were so delighted I couldn’t say no, and really there were no other shoppers close by, so I let them go back under the rack. It was the most glorious 15 minutes of shopping in my life. The boys were so happy to be searching for treasures under each new clothing rack I would go to. Okay – no judgement, I know it probably wasn’t the smartest or most sanitary thing to allow my children to do, but we single moms do what we have to do and I figured it was a nice added bonus to the cleaning crew. But what I love about this memory was the fact that what I (and pretty much any adult) would consider junk was a treasure to them.
It’s the same in our own lives. We have a choice to view what others might consider junk as treasures. It doesn’t mean we asked for or wanted these “treasures” but it’s a mindset to help us move beyond the distress of our problems to a place where we can still experience joy.
You might be thinking – can I truly find and experience joy even while I’m experiencing the exact problems that are robbing me of it?! The answer is YES – you can! In Part I of this Journey to Happiness series, we talked about how to find happiness while enjoying the ride of life – and yes it can be a roller coaster at times, but we learned how to strap in and appreciate the small joys along the journey in route to our destination.
But what happens when the journey is riddled with trials, trouble and tribulations? Which it most likely will be – I mean come on, have you ever been on a long road or freeway that you haven’t experienced at least a bump. Or what if you can’t even take the ride because different hardships are keeping you stuck and preventing you from moving forward? What then?
Most of the time, our thoughts and our feelings keep us focused on the negative – they tell us that we are doomed, that our troubles have no end, there is no solution in sight, it’s all our fault and we deserve the suffering, or it’s somebody else’s fault and we are just victims, life just simply sucks and is too hard , this pain will last forever. In other words, we will never make it up the hill, over the bump or beyond the detour.
I can go on and on about the negative things we say to ourselves. But we have a choice to believe them or not. It’s time we start questioning their validity and lack of truth? If we want to be happy, we need to change the way we look at our experiences, other people, our world, and most importantly – ourselves.
Our experiences or circumstances, the junk in our lives or that we’ve gone through, doesn’t define us. It may have affected us in negative ways, but it doesn’t become our sole identity.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I don’t consider myself “Maria the Mistake Maker”. No, I’m “Maria – The Child of God, Wonderfully Made, The Never Giver Uper”. The titles we label ourselves with are incredibly important. They can either make us or break us, give us hope or hopelessness. What titles do you have for yourself? Which ones give you joy? When you make mistakes and encounter problems and say “I’m an Idiot”, “I’m a failure”, “I’m useless” , even if you don’t believe them entirely, and just say them to yourself, they will still affect your negativity and bring you down. They will affect your self-esteem and rob you of joy.
Here’s three ways that will help you label ALL your experiences so they can be seen in a more positive light:
- Champion moments that reflect our victories, the successes the great outcomes. Easy label
- Casual moments that are essentially neutral. They are really neither good nor bad, they just are. They make up the bigger part of our lives. Also, easy label.
- The last one is the Character-building moments that are comprised of our failures, defeats, and crisis’s. They don’t have to destroy us, but instead mold us into becoming better. Character-building moments will repeat themselves until we learn the lesson. And if these moments are not of our own doing or choosing, we can still find joy in the fact that these hurting moments, these painful experiences shall also pass. Remember, there is always Hope in any Happening. . Perhaps you were not considered for that promotion you’ve been working so hard to get, but you can still find joy in the fact that you at least learned a new skill trying to get that promotion, or maybe your weekend craft workshop didn’t sell anything, but you met some new friends in the process. Or our problems can be much deeper and difficult – we are fired from our job, our marriage is falling apart, or your dealing with a severe health issue or your loved one has passed. Problems – big and small can still be problems and concerning but it’s our outlook and perspective on them that will determine the amount of joy we will have. It doesn’t mean we have to smile through the pain, it just means we will suffer less if we use it for a learning opportunity or put it in a different perspective where we try to find some joy. This character building is definitely the hardest label to use and the most important. It requires a growth mindset to use it successfully.
Circumstances may be affecting one area of our life, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy other areas of our life at the same time. We don’t have to succumb to the all or nothing mindset and lose our joy in life – regardless of the pain or challenges we are experiencing. And I know, some are really really hard.
About 9 months ago, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She was devastated – we were all devastated. A week after her diagnosis, she was telling one of her closest friends her symptoms. She then came to find out, her friends’ husband was apparently having similar symptoms. The next day that friends husband went to the doctor, was sent for diagnostic testing, and the following day confirmed he had stomach cancer. My mom realized her cancer and her conversation played a role in his outcome – possibly saving his life. She was ecstatic and found so much joy in knowing she had helped someone. Despite the shock and devastation of her own cancer diagnosis the week prior, all she could talk about was the happiness she had for being able to use her cancer for something good. And now, 7 months later, he is cancer free. My mom still thinks of this for inspiration and uses it as she continues to battle her own cancer.
The way we magnify our situations or problems leads us to feeling unnecessary sorrow, worry, or anger, but if we learn to look beyond what’s happening in one or a few areas of our life and instead see what’s happening as a whole, then we have an opportunity to still find joy. After all, God doesn’t want us to worry – hence why the Bible mentions over three hundred times to be anxious for nothing. My sisters and I are all spread out with us living in four different states. Due to my mom’s cancer, we have started having weekly family zoom calls. It’s amazing how much closer we have become as a family and all as result of some pretty horrible circumstances with my mother’s cancer diagnosis. What areas in your life can you find a way to take something bad and turn it into something good? To find a way for it to serve a better purpose?
Other people can play big roles in either bringing joy or junk into our lives too. Relationships are very important, and most of the time the people who we are in close relationships with either bring us the most joy, or give us the most pain. We have to realize that we can’t place our happiness in other people, and we shouldn’t rely on what other people do, or don’t do, to make us happy. My sister Beth and her husband Kevin celebrated their 31st anniversary last week. When on a family zoom call, we asked them what they felt their secret was for a lasting marriage was. My sister Beth said it was them learning to accept they couldn’t rely on each other for their own happiness but instead they could rely on themselves and God.
Whatever someone else thinks, feels, or does, is beyond our control – that’s why we can’t rely on them solely for our happiness. They are not perfect, and they will let us down. Just like we’re not perfect and will let them down. If we want to experience joy, we need to decide to be happy, to be joyful, to be at peace, no matter the circumstances. The beautiful thing is – we always have a choice.
Sometimes, everything may be fine and dandy in your life, but somehow the world doesn’t seem to feel that way. Media bombards us with negativity every single day. Studies show that even just 3 minutes of news a day can have a profound affect on your happiness.
We have become desensitized for the sensationalized. It’s more normal than not to start to feel in our day and age that the world is an evil place, everything is corrupted, we can’t thrive with these systems in place, etc. Yes it often seems this way but if you look close (and probably not on the news), you will still find lots of goodness– local heroes always spring up during calamities, people who are negotiating for peace in their communities, small businesses creating products or services that add value to others, influencers who produce quality content that help and not just entertain, people who are simply deciding to love and care. Although we have gone through, and still dealing with a world-wide pandemic, there have been so many incredible stories of love and sacrifice, teamwork and cooperation, caring and sharing – not on the news but in neighborhoods, local communities, and I bet right in your home . There are people who do little acts of goodness every day, including you.
It’s important to remember, the way you look at yourself and view your circumstances is the most critical factor in your search for joy amidst all the junk in your life. We all make mistakes. We all have flaws. We all lack certain qualities. Too many times, the way we talk to ourselves is so negative, so hurtful, and we don’t even realize it! We look down on ourselves more often than not. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought “ughhh, I’m so ugly” , “I’m so fat”, or thought to yourself “I’m such a loser”? According to the national science foundation, 80% of our thoughts are negative. If we average 12,000 – 60,000 thoughts a day. If 80% are negative, can you imagine the negativity. We carry heavy burdens of unnecessary guilt, shame, worry, false beliefs, and fears Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with you, let’s change this and try focusing on What’s Right with you – your strengths, your beautiful qualities, all the parts of you that are still functioning normally and that are still intact. There is so much that’s good in you and about you, and you need to remind yourself about these things every day, especially during moments of weakness and hardship. When your brain tries to tell you otherwise, you don’t have to LISTEN. Just because your brain thinks it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Remember our brains are always on heightened alert for the negative as a way to try to protect us and although it doesn’t always make sense, the negative is our comfort zone. But we can stop this automatic habit and response of fear, anxiousness, and negativity into becoming our norm. Instead, we can turn it into calm, peacefulness, hope and joy. We have the ability to retrain our brains and live a life of happiness.
I’d like to leave you with my list of tips – A-Z – that will help you find Joy amidst the Junk
A – Accept. Accept that life is unfair – and there are many things beyond your control. Once you accept this, you’ll see that life isn’t really out to get you, and sooner or later, things will turn out better. When I have a really lousy day (and yes, we all have those), the only bright spot is knowing it can only go up when you are so down. It can only get better when you hit rock bottom.
B – Believe. Believe that you are meant to live a good life. God has the best plans for you (Jer 29:11) and you are meant to live life to the fullest (Jn 10:10)
C – Count. Count your blessings. There are way too many things to be grateful for to not realie those. Don’t let problems in your life overshadow your blessings. Think of three blessings every night before you go to sleep and every morning as you wake up and I promise you will begin to experience more joy in your life.
D for Divide. Divide your problems into smaller, manageable chunks, and start solving the ones you can – one piece at a time.
E – Encourage. Encourage yourself during difficult times. Watch inspirational or motivational videos. Read stories of people who have overcome. I love Guidepost or other magazines that have inspirational stories. And believe in a God who will never forsake nor abandon you (Deut 31:8). Surprisingly, Hallmark movie channels were booming this holiday season during the pandemic. Several articles attributed it to the joy and comfort the movies bring.
F – Focus. Focus on What’s Right. Focus on the Good. Focus on the many little joys in your life.
G – Grow. Grow through your troubles. Remember, they are not crushing moments, but instead, character-building moments. You can let them break you and let them re-make you into someone stronger, wiser, and better.
H – Help. Help others even if you need help too. Sometimes, when you help others, you get to help yourself too! And there’s no better feeling than giving or helping someone in need.
I – initiate. Try something new and see what happens! There’s no such thing as there’s no other way, there’s no other choice, or there’s no alternative.
J – Just. Just keep paddling. Just keep on keeping on. Never give up on yourself.
K for keep. Keep the faith. You have refuge, you have strength, and you have ever present help. (Heb 13:6 and Ps 46) You will never be along with God (he is always by your side whether you feel His presence or not).
L – Learn what you can from each challenge. Find joy in knowing that you can always get a lesson from anything and everything that happens to you.
M – Manage your expectations about others and about results. You can control expectations, though you may not control the outcome.
N – Narrow down what’s Important to you. Don’t overwhelm yourself. If life is coming at you from all directions – prioritize, use time management skills, and put what is not as important on the back burner. It may seem like it’s all important, but that doesn’t mean some things can’t wait or take less energy.
O – Overlook offenses and be quick to forgive. Forgiveness is the most freeing and joyful thing you can do for yourself. It’s true when they say, anger only hurts you.
P – Protect. Protect your mind, body, and spirit. Stay away from further harm or negativity. If you make a mistake, remember forgiveness and that God’s mercies are new every day. Move on.
Q – Question your thoughts or mindset. Is the situation really that bad? Am I looking at this in terms of all or nothing. Will it be a big deal in 5 years from now? 10 years from now? When I retire? If this is my last week on earth, will this even matter?
R – Recall how you were able to get through tough moments in the past, and be joyful because you can definitely do it again!
S – Stop the blame game. What’s done is done. Trying to shift blame often just keeps the situation from getting resolved. Instead, let’s move forward. Onward to good things!
T – talk it out. Chatting with loved ones or real friends who truly support you will definitely help you feel better when you experience junk in your life. And if you want to talk with someone who won’t judge you and who can objectively help you with what you’re going through, approach a professional. It’s ok to ask for help. You can hop on a FREE 30 min call with me, and let’s figure things out together.
U – Understand the root of the problem, and address that first. Most of the time there are root problems beneath what we see on the surface, and understanding the root problem will help you fix your junk and have better results in the long-term.
V – validate your feelings. Ask yourself – why am I feeling this way? What is my thought process? What is my brain saying? Am I overreacting? Should I be believing what my brain is saying? Take a breather, a walk, and just pause.
W – Welcome each challenge as an opportunity – to do your best, to do something new, to go out of your comfort zone, to help yourself improve. Never give up on yourself. Remember
X – out the junk! Cross out the bad stuff, the excess stuff, the unnecessary stuff out of your life.
Y – Yield. Surrender. Trust that after doing your best, whatever happens, whether the results are as planned or not, everything is for the best and will work out for your own good (Rom 8:28)
Z – Zero in on What’s Within. That inner strength you have within to conquer anything. The wisdom you have within to know which junk in your life should be repaired, and which should be thrown out. The innate capacity you have to create the happiness you want to have. There is so much within you, the Real You.
Believe that real Joy is within your reach – despite junk you may be surrounded with!
And if you feel that you are having trouble experiencing joy in your life and are ready to move forward with the A- Z checklist to so you can have joy while making your goals a reality, I would love to support you in your journey. Together, let’s turn your junk into joy, let’s hop on for a FREE 30 min call.