As Margaret Lee Runbeck said – “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.” In other words, we often mistakenly believe that if we reach a certain point or make something happen, we will find happiness. Of course we also believe the opposite is true if we don’t reach that point or don’t make something happen, we won’t find happiness. But the truth is, it’s your journey, it’s your mission, it’s your life purpose at that time in your life that brings you happiness, not the final destination (of course, unless were talking about heaven which on this blog we are just talking about our time on earth). So for us, it’s what we do along the way and not where we end up that brings us the most satisfaction. I love the quote “Happiness is not having what you want; it is appreciating what you have”.
Happiness is the underlying goal for everything that we do. At the end of the day, no matter how many goals we set for our lives, no matter how many dreams we have, they all lead to the ultimate prize – Being HAPPY.
It can mean different things for different people, but happiness has always been the ultimate goal for all of our activities and pursuits. Just think about it. What are you doing where you are not hoping to feel happy doing it? Even if it’s giving to someone else and still doing something for someone else, you are still getting the satisfaction and happiness from that reward you feel from helping someone else. We do everything so we can stay happy in our lives. Take relationships for instance, divorce rates, as you know, are extremely high in our country because people are in unhappy marriages, so some think the answer is finding a new partner and then they will be happy. Sometimes this is the case, but more often than not, after some time with the new partner, marriage problems or boredom may occur and then there is a longing for happiness again.
Our country invests a tremendous amount of money in buying “stuff”. Just things that you can buy. The commercials, infomercials, and pop up ads dominate our viewing constantly. Advertising I think is genius because they know if they can reach our heart strings, we will buy. Studies show, that we actually buy based on emotions and not on information for the product that you’re seeing. So, all we really need to see to see are happy smiles, laughter, and fun to think “wow, I really need that so I can feel the same way”.
So what do advertisers do? They try to sell things that make us think we will be happier if we buy their product – that new car (you know the one – good lucking guy and good looking girl laughing and smiling as they speed down the highway), or maybe that new anti-wrinkle cream that shows a midlife woman walking confidently as people stare at her near-flawless wrinkle-free skin, or perhaps the fitness DVD that teaches you the latest dance craze so you can lose that extra 10 pounds and be happy (and yes, I have purchased all these things and multiple more to find happiness myself). The problem is, we are excited waiting for our purchase, but when we receive it, that excitement is often short lived because it’s really not the actual purpose that makes us happy – once the new car smell wears off, or the wrinkles return, or a new piece of fitness equipment comes out, we want more. We want those things too. And we forget about what we just had, and the joy it brought us, because now we need something else to feel that joy again.
So here are some really important questions to think about if you want to unlock the secrets to living a happier life – What is HAPPINESS? What does it take to have happiness? Why does it seem so elusive most of the time? Should this be main goal in my life? Why is it always short lived? Am I even capable of living a happy life? Am I meant to be happy? How do I find MY HAPPY?
To answer these questions, and then some, I decided to make a four-part series on Happiness, simply because it covers too many facets of our lives, and the value in having it and experiencing it is too important to just cover in one sitting. Helping people through the decades has honestly been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, and what I’ve noticed is that all of them, in one way or another, are just searching for happiness in their life. I really hope this four-part series will be of great help to you in your personal journey. So let’s get started.
First, let’s answer the question, what is happiness. If you look at Merriam-Webster definition, it’s really a ” state of well-being and contentment”. I remember attending a Teens Encounter Christ retreat when I was a sophomore in H.S. It was the only time I went on a retreat while I was growing up, and I absolutely loved it. And what I remember is we had had to write on a piece of paper one thing we wanted in our life – just one thing. I was a typical dreamy-eyed teenager, love struck by boys (though I’d yet to have a date). I was working a job after school and loved to spend my money on clothes and whatever the latest trends were, and I loved to hang out with my friends. Those were sort of my priorities at that time in my life. But I remember writing on that piece of paper, if I could only have one goal in life, it would be to have “contentment”. For some reason that stuck with me over the past 40 years. Even at that fairly young age, and though I was far from being deep or philosophical, I knew the importance of feeling happy. After all, contentment is the partner to happiness. So this is something we want, not just when we hit our 40’s, 50’s or 60’s- it’s from early on in life. We know the importance of happiness. When we are content in life, we find happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment.
This definition of happiness, being in “a state of well-being”, is really quite simple. But, somehow, the world has complicated things – like how products or services are advertised in such a way that we are made to believe that we need to buy these products or services to be happy. That we need to have that high-paying job, that luxury home, six or seven digits in the bank, the perfect kids, a romantic marriage – we need all of these to be happy. A lot of us have fallen into that trap and think “If I have this ____, then I’ll be happy.” Or if this person does this __________, then I’ll be happy. But that’s not it.
Have you ever wondered about the things you have that you thought would make you happy five years ago, but they don’t make you happy now? What about the things you thought 1 year ago – are they still making you happy? 6 months ago? What about 1 week ago? Are they making you happy now? Most of the time, the answer is “no”. You may enjoy them and still like them but you’re not feeling the same happiness that you had when you first got those.
I remember being so excited for buying this bike that I really wanted a few years ago. And yes, I had a really nice road bike so I really didn’t need it. But when I saw this bike – it just spoke to me. It was a beach cruiser, – it had these big tires, was a cool mint green color, and looked fun and I just thought “this is what I need”. Even when my husband said you don’t really need that bike I said I absolutely need this bike. You know, if I ever ride on sand it will be important, it will just be fun to ride around, and it reminds me of a bike I had when I was younger, and I was just so excited, so I bought the bike and went on my first ride with it. The bike seat kept shifting and I couldn’t figure out how to tighten it so it was a little frustrating. The wheels were so big that it was really hard to pedal and I was anything but fast on the bike. I noticed somehow, when I was bringing it home, a scratch on the paint (possibly from transporting it home) so the paint was no longer perfect on the body of it. So I quickly went from loving the bike to just liking the bike. As the days passed, I started riding my rode bike more. And now I rarely ride the new bike. It’s become the “extra bike” for when we have company in town, and then I’ll ride it because I don’t think anyone else wants to ride it. Although it’s a great bike, I didn’t find lasting happiness once it was purchased. But all along – thinking about it, discussing it with my husband, thinking about all the great things I’d do – it was so exciting and was such a happy time! And then I bought the bike, and all that changed.
This mental conditioning, we have intentionally or unintentionally adopted, has led us to experiencing less joy, and actually more sorrow in our life. Have you ever wondered why people in third world countries that don’t have nearly what we have, still find happiness? I was shocked when I took my boys on a mission trip to Peru. It was a very poor part of Peru in Chimbote and the families seemed so happy. They had so very little, most didn’t even have shoes. And they were so happy! So, how do we change this? The way we’ve gotten in society where we have to have things to make us happy? Obviously while I was on this mission trip, they had very little, and still found happiness, even though they needed so much. And that’s where we have to get to in our society, or just with ourselves, if we want to find true happiness. How do we realize, that it’s okay to buy the high-end/high-fashion purse if we so choose, but eventually it will be stored in a closet, and not bring the lasting happiness we desire of – the same happiness thinking about the purchase, and actually making the purchase?
I think the answer is realizing first of all that happiness is a “state” of mind. If this is the case, then happiness is not reliant on external factors, but on internal conditions – how you are inside at any present moment. It’s what’s inside your head. It’s what you’re thinking that causes happiness and not an outside result from the “stuff you buy”. That’s why it doesn’t last. It’s that purse you buy that you saved up for and wanted to buy, but after awhile, you don’t feel the same happiness anymore when you put that purse on your shoulder.
When I was getting ready, I came across a commercial on contentment. It was a YouTube spoof on all those products that say “as seen on TV”. This was called as “not seen on TV and how to find contentment”, and this was talking about how not to purchase products. It was a great example though of happiness. They have what appears to be a college student, and he’s waiting 3 days in line for the latest phone. He’s so excited when he gets his new phone. But we all know, as soon as you get used to your phone or the next model comes out, the novelty of the newness and excitement wears off – sometimes with in just a week or so.
So the question they ask this college kid is “was it the phone that brought you this happiness” and the kid says “yes” – but the real answer is “no”. It was the relief from the anxiety and anticipation and hope of obtaining the phone that brought him happiness.
So stay with me here – maybe we want something, that starts to consume us and occupy our thoughts – everyone think of something. What’s something you really want to have in your life right now? We generally create from our thoughts feelings of longing, need, anxiousness, excitement, and hope about this thing we really want, when we try to make this thing come true. . Then we obtain the item (person, place or thing), and no longer have those thoughts and feelings. So now we are left with this void. For awhile we can be excited, but eventually, that will wear off and we’ll want our next happiness. Because we are putting our happiness on a person/place or thing, and not realizing our happiness comes from within. .
The first step to finding happiness in your life is knowing it’s not an ending or a prize to be won – it’s something that you can have anytime you decide to, because it’s equated to something inside you. I think that is worthy of repeating – you can have HAPPINESS anytime your heart desires- regardless of your credit card purchases, you relationships, your parenting or job status. Happiness is inside of you.
There is this quote I really like that says “Happiness is in the journey, not in the destination.” I guess the challenging part then becomes, how can you enjoy the journey when it’s not always easy? In fact sometimes it’s quite a hardship filled with bumps, curves, and detours? Here’s five perspectives I’m going to share with you that are the keys to enjoying your journey.
Perspective 1 – Life is comprised of many journeys.
It’s not one long journey, though it may seem like it because you are tired at times and life feels to be dragging on and is slow. It’s almost like raising kids. Life at first feels so difficult and you have some long nights without sleep when they are sick, or you leave your job to help them with something at school, and you don’t feel like you’re ever going to get through it. But then when that’s gone, you feel like it went by in a blink, and you’d do anything to get that time back again. But then, you are on a different journey. Life is composed of many journeys that change as you change – when you go through different life stages, set different goals, have different dreams, or pursue different passions, your journey changes. And that’s a good thing. What made me happy when I was 18 -buying my first Walkman (and by the way, I did find out they still sell those even today), wouldn’t give me the same happiness to have one of those today. Or what made me happy when raising my boys, spending hours at the park playing dodge ball, kickball, baseball, etc. – I loved it. But I don’t think I’d be as happy spending hours doing that today. So as I’ve changed with different chapters in my life, my journey has changed.
There are many journeys to take, each with its own set of thrills and trials, and an important question to ask each time is – is this a journey I want to take? Am I willing to invest my time, talent, and treasure to pursue this path? Usually we have a choice, though sometimes life circumstances don’t give us a choice, but generally, we do have a choice. Let’s say you are planning for your vacation – will you go to your favorite childhood resort, or go to that new place people are raving about? This line of questioning can apply to many journeys we decide to take in our life – do I really want to go back to school to earn my degree? Do I really want to train for the iron man marathon? Am I willing to risk my career to pursue my passion once and for all? It’s all up to you. It’s your choice. That’s the beautiful thing – our journeys are ours to choose. What’s important is that your motivations for taking each journey reflect the Real You, and you are willing to take the risks and feel the fears but do it anyway, whatever the outcome.
Another Perspective to help you enjoy the journey (2)- Is to remember your journey is Individualized.
It’s different from others. Have you ever found yourself feeling sad about your own vacation plans? For example, you were all set for your trip – 3 days of fun in the sun and water at a campsite with you best friend. You were excited about it for weeks, imagining open flame hot dogs, daytime mountain hikes, waterskiing and star gazing, sitting on inner tubes. You think to yourself, “It’s going to be ah-maaah-zing!”. Then all of a sudden, your co-worker passes by with the new gloves she ordered online for her own vacation – a ski trip to Switzerland. Or you see a commercial for a beach resort in Cancun. Seems like your own plans aren’t exciting anymore right? But it shouldn’t be that way! But why does this happen to us– that once we start comparing ourselves to others, our life always seems to pale in comparison? I’ll talk about this more in the coming parts of our blog series, but please remember this – Each of us has our own life, our own journey to take. Some may get to their destination faster. Others may even have a different destination altogether. But what’s important is how your own life unfolds – if it reflects the real you and not what others say you’re supposed to do, if it’s a life that brings you joy, meaning, & fulfillment. We need to practice being patient in faith, that the best, the utmost good will ultimately happen to us (Ps 27:13), and that everything that happens in our journey works out for our own good even if it doesn’t look like it at that time (Rom 8:28).
Perspective 3 that will help you enjoy the journey, (and remember, the journey is where happiness is) – Expect the Unexpected.
You can do your best to plan for a journey, but there are a WHOLE lot of things beyond your control. Have you experienced going on a trip wherein each and every single detail that you planned for and imagined actually happened? Ummm, probably not. For 99% of us, that hasn’t ever happened. But life really is full of things beyond our control. We find ourselves in many circumstances that we can’t do anything about but accept, and ideally, learn from.
Weddings are the perfect example. I’ve never heard of a wedding where every detail went exactly as planned. I don’t think any bride plans for rain on her wedding day, but it happens plenty of times. When I was first married, right out of college, I was more worried about looking great in my beautiful wedding dress and making sure there were lots of beverage and food choices for all my college friends that I didn’t pay as close of attention to the other details. My mom’s friend was going to make the cake and I just said put whatever flowers you’d like on it. This was when silk flowers were really in style and a thing to put on your wedding cake. And I just left everything up to her. On the day of the wedding when I walked into the Officer’s club where the reception was being held, I was horrified that the fake silk flowers on my cake matched the curtains exactly (they were a rusty orange color) and they might be in style now, but I can promise you they were anything but in style back in 1991. And to make things worse, the cake was leaning sideways so they had it pushed up against the wall. That way if it started to fall it’d be near the back of the table. Luckily, I didn’t turn into bridezilla, and I never said a word to anyone, but my happiness was very quickly cut short when I saw the cake.
Most of the time, the dreams we want to fulfill don’t happen exactly the way we want them to happen. If we base our happiness on the end result, we are in for disappointment. I was lucky I had a second opportunity at marriage, not the way I planned in my life, but I was divorced and did end up getting remarried. What’s nice was I was able to take what I learned from the first wedding, and just knew that things weren’t going to go as planned in my mind. And that way, when something happened that didn’t go the way I thought would be originally done, it wasn’t a big deal.
We need to enjoy the journey, with all the pit stops and unexpected detours – anything that doesn’t happen the way we want it to. That way we can still experience happiness no matter what our path may have along its route. We do our best recognizing what is under our control, and learning to surrender and embrace what will unfold.
Many of you have probably heard of the serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. It’s a wonderful prayer that speaks about things we can’t control. It’s not just a prayer for those recovering from addiction, but really for all of us. I’m just going to say the prayer for any of you that are not familiar with it. If you listen to the words, it’s really powerful in your life.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen.
And I just love this. The words are so meaningful when you’re trying to find happiness in your life. And that’s something we are all searching for. This prayer can be applicable to all of us.
Perspective 4 – Be ready to lower your expectations.
Sometimes the destination is actually over-hyped. Have you ever been to a destination resort that had so many raving reviews, but in the end, didn’t really live up to your expectations? That’s how it is with us and our goals. We tend to overestimate the feelings we will experience when we achieve them, but once we do, we wonder why our feelings of joy didn’t last longer than we hoped for, or why it wasn’t as deep or intense as we expected. It is a natural tendency for people to overestimate emotions and expectations, and, the sooner we realize that experiencing all the little joys on the way to our destination amounts to more happiness in the long term, the more chances we will find ourselves living in a state of joy. There are many beautiful sights, enjoyable side trips, and unexpected blessings that are on your way – on your path – you just have to be mindful about the good things and learn to savor each little happy moment as they happen.
And the last Perspective 5 – Understand that it’s the journey, not the destination that changes you.
Therefore, the journey is what is most critical. What happens to you when you start achieving your goals or going after your dreams, is more important than the actual end goal or dream. Who you become on your way to your destination will affect all the journeys you will take in the future. It would be wise to invest in yourself in the process of achieving your goals – to continuously aspire to become the best version of yourself while at the same time being grateful for what you have now. THINK the best, LEARN the best, and DO your best in all your journeys. A big hooray if you achieve your goals! If not, then onwards to another journey or a different path! And next time you will be stronger, wiser, and more capable to achieve the results you want.
Incorporating these five perspectives into your life, will help you experience more happiness in your life. If you are struggling with finding joy in your goals, and you feel like you’re in a rut or stuck, let’s get on a 30mins FREE Call together and figure out a path forward where your journey brings happiness into your life.
I wish you the best and most importantly, I wish you happiness!